Advice

I am a father.

I am a father to an amazing, inspiring, funny, wonderful son. Currently as I write this, my son is 22 months old. For some of you, that is 2 months away from being 2. (Update: My son is now 5 and I have a 3-month-old son, so now I am also a father of 2 amazing boys).

I am also a husband.

I am a husband to the most wonderful and amazing, in my opinion, woman. She is my best friend and I love her to death. We have been together for 12 years and married for about 9 years in July 2019. (Update: 15 years and married for 12 years now as of August 2022).

This statement would come as shock to most but here it goes:

Since I became a father, I have suffered from anxiety and mild depression. This anxiety and depression were the biggest shocker to me because it comes on in waves and I feel helpless. As a man we are taught to suck it up and be manly and not talk about our feelings but when the anxiety and depression of fatherhood comes, it becomes overwhelming to me. My anxiety started to happen when my oldest son started to get closer to a year old. The fear of not being around if something was to happen to me hit me like a freight train at full throttle. I don’t fear death as much as the aftermath of a death. My fear that I would like my loved ones to fend for themselves without me has pushed my anxiety out. To the thought of not seeing my son in school asking me for help on his math homework (the wife is better in language arts so that is her homework help). The thought of not seeing him in his first sporting event that he is playing in or first concert he is in. The thought of not being there for him to show him what a real man is like and see him grow into the man I could only imagine (Update: this feeling still comes with now 2 sons). This fear has crippled me in the last few weeks as I type this. The solemn idea that death could come for us at any time and do we have our affairs in order when it happens is scary. The other issue to my anxiety is that I feel like a failure in life. I will say I believe I have a good job; I started my own (Update: Closed that business in 2021), I am paying bills, but with social norms and us judging ourselves to our peers on social media doesn’t help.

Ok Karen and Bob, we get it. You still live with your parents, just went on vacation without your kids, and have pictures of you doing shots because you don’t have to pay real bills like the rest of us (note: this is not a true couple I know). That is not the level of who we should measure ourselves against. It’s not real and they might have their own problems too. The problem is social media has made us this way. A father has to be the breadwinner, they have to be strong for the family, they have to be the ideal man and not have feelings. Us boys are taught this from society. It’s hard for us men to be men in the modern-day world because we too have feelings and feel less if we speak up.

The anxiety and depression have brought a rip between my relationship with my lovely wife and myself. This is no fault of her own but of my mental health. Currently, as I type this my wife currently doesn’t know how I am feeling (Updated: this rip has gotten better after she read this. In addition, in a future blog post I plan to discuss how communication changes everything). That is not good fellas, I know by the time this gets online for people to learn from this my wife will know.

In addition, the only help I have sought is through one of my best friends and a father dealing with the same shared experience. He has been a friend to me since middle school or for over 20 years now. I decided to write this to have other Fathers know you’re not alone. If I could give any advice to help you in your journey, seek someone you could talk to and get the help you need. I feel sometimes group therapy with like-minded individuals seems to help. Don’t be too manly to discuss your flaws because we are all human. Seek professional help if needed (I might have to take my own advice on this), let the journey of discovery and improvement be the reason for your progress. If you need time, ask your spouse to give you that needed time (again preach but not doing yet).

If you need to reach out to me, please do so even if it is just saying you need help. You’re not alone, we are here for you my traveling buddies on this Unfinished Quest.

Knowledge

Defining One’s Self

In search of the meaning of my life, I have been stuck with answering the question of defining one’s self. How do I define my quest?

How do I determine my path forward?

How do I achieve the success to finish a quest just to start another?

These are the questions that need to be answered which I believe to help someone define one’s self. Again, this is why I have created the unfinished quest. These questions may never be answered but we will always try to achieve our quests. One quest ends, you should have another quest waiting. We all become travelers on a path and have to make decisions like Robert Frost mentioned in The Road Not Taken.

Are you willing to travel down the paved path or the one less taken?

The unfinished quest was created because we are all trying to answer the questions that define us. Once we are able to do that, the next quest awaits. Define yourself by making a goal for yourself and seeing how to achieve that goal. Make the steps to achieve those goals and seek the help of others to help you reach the end of the quest. Many great stories are written because the people that went about quests did so because they were trying to define themselves. They wanted to be considered more than what they are, by achieving a goal they set out for themselves and creating a plan to execute it. A lot of the stories also seek the aid of others to help conquer the quest. In the meantime, the others that assisted also had a quest of their own.

My fellow travelers find your quest, seek the aid of others if so, be it, and use unfinished quest to help you. We are all here for you and to help you achieve and find what it means to define one’s self. We are a community all on our own independent quests but a community that could help each other. Go and seek what you are looking for, may our path cross one day, and may you find your quest upon this unfinished quest.

Advice

Being a dad

Being a dad is not easy nor is it easy being a mom. I don’t have any experience of being a mom because I am a male. Being a dad is something I don’t take lightly. I have young children as I am writing this and they are a ball of energy that keeps you on your toes. I love my sons and I let them know it. As a father I think it becomes critical nowadays to show more than ever that you love a child. I know that is a new thing for most people since most of our fathers were taught to be the strong ones and emotion is a sign of weakness. That trait falls back to us modern day fathers.

You have to remember our fathers were in the generation that their fathers spent back breaking hours at work and thought them to be tough because the world would eat you alive. Our generation is a bit different because we come to realize life is hard but that doesn’t mean you have to be an emotionless person.

My sons are a blast to be around and when we spend time together, just guy time, if we are not watching TV, I am reading to them, I am asking the oldest to tell me about his day, teaching them new words, and I am lucky because my oldest son is already into football and baseball. If you must ask, he is a Houston fan. He likes UH (University of Houston) for college football, Texans for NFL, and Astros for baseball. He has a strong connection to the Astros because he was born the year the Astros won the World Series for the first time ever.

I plan to put my sons in things that will help them grow as a person. My wife and I have decided we are going to teach them the value of starting something until it finishes. Example is if my sons want to start baseball and through the season, they decide they do not want to do it anymore, we will tell them they have to at least play until the end of the season then they could stop.

Being a dad has come with its challenges because I have to learn the art of patience. When my oldest son throws a tantrum because he can’t communicate with his words, I take him to a safe area, let him cool down, and then we talk about how he feels. I have noticed it has helped with losing my cool because he is not listening and I have noticed he responds better in the future. In addition, I keep telling him to use his words to the best of his abilities to discuss his feelings, that way he could learn to communicate.

Being a dad is a quest that is not over but that unfinished quest is the path I am willing to take. My fellow travelers on this journey, please let me know how you feel about being a dad and remember to find your quest and inspire greatness to achieve greatness.

Knowledge

Inspire, be great, and become legendary.

Inspire hope because hope is to cherish a desire with anticipation: to want something to happen or be true, according to the Merriam-Webster dictionary. Hope is the level that all people are desiring. To inspire hope in individuals means to bring them to a level of what they desire because “We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.”, from the Preamble of our US Constitution. This was to inspire hope among all Americans and not just a few. We all desire for our nation to be great because we want to be great and the hope of being great is in each one of use to inspire it. Great as a noun in Merriam-Webster is an outstandingly superior or skillful person. As an adjective it talks about being notably large is size, of a kind characterized by relative largeness —used in plant and animal names, to elaborate or amble, a large in number or measure, etc. The common tread is great is to be larger than life and be recognized as a outstandingly skillful person. To be great is something to strive for by providing hope and inspire others to do the same. Through greatness comes the ability of becoming legendary. Legendary in Merriam-Webster is of, relating to, or characteristic of legend or a legend or well-known/famous. Many individuals that inspire hope, were great, and became legendary and we all know them well through history in great detail. The question that needs to be asked in today’s society what would you like to be know for?

Me, I like to be well-known for inspiring hope, being great, so that one day I might become legendary. This is a task not taken lightly and should be emulated in everything I am striving for. To be great is hard in a world of negativity but every positive light that is coming through a veil of negativity, it can still make it through. Be that light by inspire hope and bring on greatness, so that people you helped will know that you are legendary one of a kind. Food for thought and may everyone carpe diem. 

Welcome

Hello world!

The Unfinished Quest is a blog on life experiences and the searching of knowledge in ones life as the passage of time is upon us and striving for the journey to learn, grow, improve, experience, and to live. The Unfinished Quest is that never stoping adventure seeking in life that will continue until the traveler must stop and another takes the quest upon themselves. Come along my fellow travelers and lets embark on that perpetual quest. Welcome to the Unfinished Quest.  – Gavin M Swinney