Advice

I am a father to an amazing, inspiring, funny, wonderful son. Currently as I write this, my son is 22 months old. For some of you, that is 2 months away from being 2. (Update: My son is now 5 and I have a 3-month-old son, so now I am also a father of 2 amazing boys).

I am also a husband.

I am a husband to the most wonderful and amazing, in my opinion, woman. She is my best friend and I love her to death. We have been together for 12 years and married for about 9 years in July 2019. (Update: 15 years and married for 12 years now as of August 2022).

This statement would come as shock to most but here it goes:

Since I became a father, I have suffered from anxiety and mild depression. This anxiety and depression were the biggest shocker to me because it comes on in waves and I feel helpless. As a man we are taught to suck it up and be manly and not talk about our feelings but when the anxiety and depression of fatherhood comes, it becomes overwhelming to me. My anxiety started to happen when my oldest son started to get closer to a year old. The fear of not being around if something was to happen to me hit me like a freight train at full throttle. I don’t fear death as much as the aftermath of a death. My fear that I would like my loved ones to fend for themselves without me has pushed my anxiety out. To the thought of not seeing my son in school asking me for help on his math homework (the wife is better in language arts so that is her homework help). The thought of not seeing him in his first sporting event that he is playing in or first concert he is in. The thought of not being there for him to show him what a real man is like and see him grow into the man I could only imagine (Update: this feeling still comes with now 2 sons). This fear has crippled me in the last few weeks as I type this. The solemn idea that death could come for us at any time and do we have our affairs in order when it happens is scary. The other issue to my anxiety is that I feel like a failure in life. I will say I believe I have a good job; I started my own (Update: Closed that business in 2021), I am paying bills, but with social norms and us judging ourselves to our peers on social media doesn’t help.

Ok Karen and Bob, we get it. You still live with your parents, just went on vacation without your kids, and have pictures of you doing shots because you don’t have to pay real bills like the rest of us (note: this is not a true couple I know). That is not the level of who we should measure ourselves against. It’s not real and they might have their own problems too. The problem is social media has made us this way. A father has to be the breadwinner, they have to be strong for the family, they have to be the ideal man and not have feelings. Us boys are taught this from society. It’s hard for us men to be men in the modern-day world because we too have feelings and feel less if we speak up.

The anxiety and depression have brought a rip between my relationship with my lovely wife and myself. This is no fault of her own but of my mental health. Currently, as I type this my wife currently doesn’t know how I am feeling (Updated: this rip has gotten better after she read this. In addition, in a future blog post I plan to discuss how communication changes everything). That is not good fellas, I know by the time this gets online for people to learn from this my wife will know.

In addition, the only help I have sought is through one of my best friends and a father dealing with the same shared experience. He has been a friend to me since middle school or for over 20 years now. I decided to write this to have other Fathers know you’re not alone. If I could give any advice to help you in your journey, seek someone you could talk to and get the help you need. I feel sometimes group therapy with like-minded individuals seems to help. Don’t be too manly to discuss your flaws because we are all human. Seek professional help if needed (I might have to take my own advice on this), let the journey of discovery and improvement be the reason for your progress. If you need time, ask your spouse to give you that needed time (again preach but not doing yet).

If you need to reach out to me, please do so even if it is just saying you need help. You’re not alone, we are here for you my traveling buddies on this Unfinished Quest.

Being a dad is not easy nor is it easy being a mom. I don’t have any experience of being a mom because I am a male. Being a dad is something I don’t take lightly. I have young children as I am writing this and they are a ball of energy that keeps you on your toes. I love my sons and I let them know it. As a father I think it becomes critical nowadays to show more than ever that you love a child. I know that is a new thing for most people since most of our fathers were taught to be the strong ones and emotion is a sign of weakness. That trait falls back to us modern day fathers.

You have to remember our fathers were in the generation that their fathers spent back breaking hours at work and thought them to be tough because the world would eat you alive. Our generation is a bit different because we come to realize life is hard but that doesn’t mean you have to be an emotionless person.

My sons are a blast to be around and when we spend time together, just guy time, if we are not watching TV, I am reading to them, I am asking the oldest to tell me about his day, teaching them new words, and I am lucky because my oldest son is already into football and baseball. If you must ask, he is a Houston fan. He likes UH (University of Houston) for college football, Texans for NFL, and Astros for baseball. He has a strong connection to the Astros because he was born the year the Astros won the World Series for the first time ever.

I plan to put my sons in things that will help them grow as a person. My wife and I have decided we are going to teach them the value of starting something until it finishes. Example is if my sons want to start baseball and through the season, they decide they do not want to do it anymore, we will tell them they have to at least play until the end of the season then they could stop.

Being a dad has come with its challenges because I have to learn the art of patience. When my oldest son throws a tantrum because he can’t communicate with his words, I take him to a safe area, let him cool down, and then we talk about how he feels. I have noticed it has helped with losing my cool because he is not listening and I have noticed he responds better in the future. In addition, I keep telling him to use his words to the best of his abilities to discuss his feelings, that way he could learn to communicate.

Being a dad is a quest that is not over but that unfinished quest is the path I am willing to take. My fellow travelers on this journey, please let me know how you feel about being a dad and remember to find your quest and inspire greatness to achieve greatness.